Journal 1

This was my first time ever reading anything by Raymond Carver, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this short story, “Cathedral”. I can’t exactly point out anything that put this story over the edge, but it was a combination of all of the craft elements that Carver used that made this story so compelling and such a good read. I think what I enjoyed the most from “Cathedral” was the narrative style of the story , the choice of having it be the man, not the wife or the blind man makes the difference of how I connected to the story. Having someone that is a bit disconnected from the other two characters’ relationship and having to find a place of connection in the group and the outsider, the blind man, makes the budding connection between the man and blind man more meaningful. Also, again the narrative choices, the way that the man feels awkward throughout the story until they smoke cannabis and opens up, leading to more in depth questions between him and the blind man and a way for them to open up a way to connect better. The nervousness around the man’s blindness and what it’s like for him and trying to describe something that no one has ever seen or knows of. Everything throughout the story feels so realistic and normal, not forced or unnatural, just normal people. That is what I have enjoyed the most while reading “Cathedral”. 2 questions: 1, What did they draw together on the paper, and why hasn’t the wife ever done this with the blind man if she had worked for him? 2, what is the reasoning for the blind man touching his beard so often and smelling it?

Journal 2

In chapter 2 of Writing Fiction on characters in stories, I just loved the whole entire chapter. I thought it gave so much that I could learn from and implement into my stories. One of the things that I would struggle with the last time I took Creative writing wrt 212 was with my characterization and the importance of details and putting too much or too little of a character on the page to make them relevant enough or not. I really enjoyed the Where the come from section where it talks about pickling characters based off of real life people whether they are someone you know well or if it is a stranger. I would struggle with trying to make my characters someone completely random who I had no connection with and didn’t know at all really. I think this was a struggle of mine for the longest time because I wanted them to be someone I didn’t know, I didn’t want to make them too much like someone and get stuck in the “What would this real life person do in this situation?” I like how the section kind of validates this by saying a lot of writers struggle with this when basing characters on people they know and that it should really be about letting your writing and the story lead to the actions of this fictionalized character, and not to depend on the real life examples as much. Another section I liked a lot was the Questions section that basically just says to learn everything there is to know about your character because you need to know it if you are going to be writing about this person so much. Also having that list of questions available is very beneficial and something that I will definitely take advantage of in the future to better understand my characters. It was hard to choose what was most important because I thought this whole chapter was incredibly helpful and something that I will continuously check back to in the future. 

Journal 3

In chapter 3 of Writing Fiction on plot and story structure , I again just loved the whole entire chapter. I like to think that I have a good enough understanding of how storylines are formulated and how they should be structured and how they should go, like the chapter says there is a beginning, middle, an end, the crisis, climax, consequence, protagonist, antagonist, secondary characters, extras, and even subplot if you are writing a much longer story. I had a pretty basic and decent understanding of there’s aspects of story structure and plot, but having them reiterated through someone else and through examples of text that I have seen and read before was much more helpful and eye opening. I really enjoyed the section at the beginning of a story because I find the most difficult part that I have while writing is finding a place to plop the reader into and start my writing. I never know if I should tell to much at the beginning because I feel like I should, and even kinda feel like the author when they handed in their novel to a professor and were told that they were writing just to figure out their characters for their own sake and wasn’t something that the reader would never need to truly know. I also enjoyed the final paragraph in the Applying Structure to Novels section where the author talks about how much more detail you can get in a 350 page novel compared to a 10 page short story. It somewhat inadvertently reinstates the importance of putin the most important things that need to be on the page for the reader because we don’t have the luxury of developing s story for an extra 340 pages more than we have, so putting down the absolutely necessities that can still be understandable and enjoyable is important to the craft.

Journal 4

This story was very interesting to me and in a way read similarly to Junkie by William Burroughs. Following a lonely, sad man, in a drunken/ drugged out haze. I really liked the story, the concept of it and the concept of the story were almost perfect. The way that Bump chooses to write in a sporadic, unfiltered, non-linear narrative sets the tone of the story up perfectly. If this had been written any other way I don’t think it would have worked as well. Having a character who doesn’t know what they are doing, going with the flow, is drunk and on drugs for a portion of the story, and having a narrative that isn’t set and linear makes it blend perfectly. I really really liked this story and felt connected to all of the characters in a way. They all had their own sad lives but were trying to live for a night with other sad and lonely strangers, like a one night stand in a way. Someone to be with to get rid of the pain for a short while, it was sad to read but so realistic to life and what a good portion of people live through. My favorite part of this story is that blend of the concept and the narration around the story.

Journal 5

For me my writing space consists of being in my room and at my desk but it could also be in my bed or anywhere that I am separated from other people and too many distractions. I do best when I can get in the zone and not have to worry about something next to me or have my eyes wander to a tv or xbox or food that might make me interested and want to do something else. When I write I like to listen to instrumental music and recently I have been listening to a lot of jazz, italian cafe music, and latin jazz. I like latin jazz but sometimes it makes me lose some focus because its a little too upbeat and I get distracted by the loud noises. I like to drown out the noise around me with the music but not to an extent where I can’t hear my own thoughts. Once I start writing I am immediately grappled for the ride and don’t lose focus super easily unless someone interrupts me or if I hear something happening and I want to see what is going on. I try to keep my phone away as much as I can when I am writing because that can be a huge distraction at times. I like to be in somewhat comfortable clothes when I write at my desk on my seat cushion because these chairs the school gives us are not the most comfortable. I also like to have a source of water around me because sometimes I can go on for a while writing and forget that I have to drink water to live. I also like having my desk lamp on even though it doesn’t do a whole lot, its almost ritual and gets me in the mood to write and do things.

Journal 6

In chapter 4 of the writing fiction book about Point of View and the many different styles, I found many ideas interesting and useful. I have normally written all of my stories in the first person narrative of the main character, because it just happens to be the easiest way to get the story across for me. However, I have thought of experimenting with the second person narrative, with the few second person narratives that I have read I have found them truly engaging, unnerving and enjoyable to read. I want to try and get into the second person narrative but I haven’t found a concept that I think would fit well into that kind of Point of View. I haven’t written much in the third person narrative because I don’t enjoy it the most, I always feel the least connected to a story when I read these types of stories, so I don’t really like to write that way.

Journal 7

In chapter 5 of the writing fiction book about descriptive writing and the many ways to do it correctly and make your writing sound better there were many useful tips. Some of this chapter covered the obvious facts of no to overdo or underdo description in your stories in order to keep readers the right amount of engaged with the story so as to not lose interest or become confused. I did find the passage on detailing emotions and inner thoughts helpful. I often struggle with the ability to convey emotions effectively to a reader, because for me I don’t know how exactly to make it seem like a character is happy or sad or anything else through the physical body language. I have to try and get better at this because characters are emotional at times and can help readers better connect to the story as a whole. I also found the section about using all five senses to describe the story especially helpful. I rarely use the other four senses other than sight because it seems daunting to put them onto the page and I don’t want to mess it up in any way. This section made it seem a little bit easier than what I had thought and I will definitely have to come back when writing my stories.

Journal 8 

An aspect of “Our Children” by Vanessa Cuti I enjoyed was the story in general but also the physical spacing of the story. I hated the main character throughout the whole story, I never found a reason to like her and from the first couple paragraphs all the way to the end I found little reason to like her. She was an older woman, unhappy with her life that was willing to leave kids in a cabin to fend for themselves and probably only came back because she eventually came to her senses after realizing how stupud she was. Something I did like from this story was the spacing between paragraphs to show new ideas, thoughts, and movements in the story. Whether it was fantasizing about the future, reminiscing in the past, or speculating on what was happening with Dan’s wife. The author used spacing well to show that a new thing was happening and that this wasn’t all one large paragraph. I did like the way that Cuti flip flopped throughout the story, showing what was probably a year within 10 pages, a year of pain, happiness, shame, and fear by looking into the relationship with their former spouses, her relationship with Dan, the relationship with the kids, and what their lives could have been. It was a nice way to see what everyday normal people interact with and do on a regular basis.

Journal 9

In chapter 6 of the writing fiction book about dialogue and the best ways to implement it into a story was very helpful. I am not someone that is too great at dialogue, I think it is one of the things I try to avoid because it is difficult to make conversation seem real but not boring in a story at times. I have avoided dialogue for this reason as well as the fact that I heavily rely on narration and summary of events. I hope that with the tips and explanations used from this chapter that I might be able to further develop my own dialogue skills and try to use more in my upcoming stories and drafts. I particularly liked the passage in this chapter on indirect dialogue, I feel like I haven’t seen it or at least noticed it in stories before. I like that it can read more quickly and concisely like a narration, but it has the character and feelings of conversation. I definitely want to dabble in it, especially after reading more about it and having good examples of how it should be done in a story. Dialogue is essential for stories and builds on the development of characters that narration sometimes can’t do on its own.

Journal 10 

In chapter 7 of the writing fiction book about setting was different from a lot of the other sections we have read. This section focused more on giving examples of other text that describe setting well in their stories. There were so many good examples throughout this chapter. I particularly enjoyed the section on pacing and the examples of “Cathedral” that were used to show how time can be shown with long paragraphs to show specific events or short sentences that can show an extended period of time without drowning the story. It’s these little things that you don’t truly pick up on unless they are blatantly pointed out to you. In this case having the pacing of the story pointed out to me made it effective at showing how it works and how it should be done within a short story. This section really focused on trying to make your settings believable enough especially if it is not based in a completely real world setting but if it is then it should be true to the nature and experiences of that place and time period.

Journal 11

I really enjoyed reading Escape from the Dysphesiac People by Brandon Hobson. I haven’t gotten to read a lot of stories from the Native American perspective while at UNE, and this story was something that I was happy to have read. I really enjoy the way that Hobson writes this story. Throughout the whole beginning of the story I am lost with the narrator as they are unable to understand what is happening to them at this moment in time. I think the story is in the early 1900’s and the narrator is kidnapped and forced to work on a plantation of sorts. I like being left in the dark with the narrator as we have to try and figure out their situation at the same time as they are trying to find what is happening. I also really enjoyed the parallel from the beginning and the end of the story, the beginning being dark, scary, unknown and the end being shown as light at the end of the tunnel, a way out, a new life, people who are like the narrator, a happy life. These parallels were pretty interesting to recognize and I enjoyed reading them and comparing the situations of the narrator being misplaced with random people and then finding their way with another Native man.

Journal 12

In the fiction writing chapter 8 on Voice, I found a lot of the information useful and backed up a lot of the previous information in the other chapters. My biggest takeaway from the chapter is that as a writer you should initially just write and let the story create itself and not be caught up in trying to make it sound too much like anything. If it is a good story it will have a voice that comes natural to it and not something that is forced and is awkward to read. This has been one of my problems with writing, I don’t intentionally think of the voice when I write but as I’m writing I try to make it “sound good” without focusing on the story itself. If  I were to just write and worry about these issues in the story later it would probably be easier to write a story cohesively without having to constantly edit while I’m writing the story. I need to just write and worry about most of the things this chapter talked about later on in the editing process of writing. Finding a way to keep writing and editing together but separate is one of the things that I am going to try and work on while trying to finish the first draft of my story.

Journal 13

Clementine, Carmelita, Dog was a really fun story to read, I am a huge dog person so reading this was fun but also sad. I liked how the perspective of the narrator was 3rd person but from a dog’s point of view. Not many stories I have read, for which I remember any stories, have the narrator in the eyes of a dog or other animals for that matter. Writing in an unfamiliar species is difficult because we don’t know everything that goes on in the mind of a dog and probably never will know, but the way David Means crafts Clementine, Carmelita, Dog is truly remarkable. I was hooked throughout the entirety of the story. I really enjoyed the emphasis on the senses of smell and hearing, opposed to sight and tactile sensations that are more common for human stories. The switch of senses makes perfect sense for the story and makes it more realistic in a way, if it had not been written in this manner I think it would have not been as great as a read. Another part of the story I really really liked was the ignorance that Clementine/Carmelita had because we assume that dog’s don’t know everything that happens in the human world, so to her the disappearance of Claire, Norman being sad, and her “getting lost” are not correlated, but when read by a human audience we can see how all of these events intertwine and play off of each other.

Journal 14

In the Writing Fiction book on theme I found it helpful to get the reassurance of just writing a story. These last few chapters have put an emphasis on just trying to write a story and letting everything come later on and to not force something into a story. I have noticed that the author puts an emphasis on crafting a story first and then going into the weeds of it after the first draft is done and adding more emphasis on certain aspects of the story like the theme, characters, voice and all the other parts of a story. I also like that the author says not to start a story by trying to put a theme into it first because then it won’t end up being as great and will probably be boring and not a good story. If you write a story first the theme will find a way to shape into what is written after you have done it, you don’t need to force anything into the story because you basically put it in there subconsciously. I like hearing time and time again to just write and let the deeper meaning of the story come into it once it’s already been written and edited.

Journal 15

Harry Story 

Page 1- I can tell immediately by the writing style and narrative that this is written to a Victorian style esk era.

2- I like the dialogue here.

3- It reads well so far, how much time has passed?

4- This reads fast, moves quickly through events but it works.

5- I really like everything and would maybe suggest to edit it down and not have to summarize by having parts like the painting conversation, and cut down not as important details maybe. 

6- Could use this as a starting point? Pirate scene would open well, or have less background info and follow with this.

7- Good use of summary at the end of the page.

8- I wish I could read the sections you’ve cut, maybe just put small pieces of it in, it doesn’t need to be nothing or super long, but just a little bit.

9-This section flows very smoothly.

10- I like the ending but I feel like I am missing something.

This is a Victorian era story following a man named Arlo through events based on religion and false prophets, he is associated with a man who is funding false prophets and gets kidnapped by the Spanish. I really like the voice and characters that are in this story, it just reads so well even though there are pieces of the story missing. I really like the word choice, and respect the effort that went into writing this, because I would not be able to write this style effectively. I think the strongest part of the story is the voice, style and characters that you have so far. I can’t be left wondering if you are going for something longer than a short story. It seems as though this could be like an old timey adventure story, something that needs much more than 10 pages. I also wonder what the story could look like without most of the first 4 pages. Some suggestions I would offer are mostly editorial, just cutting out some less important details. I was thinking about that painting for a long time, and possibly starting the story in a different spot. The background is useful but is it possible to piece in bits of it throughout the story or come back to it at the end. 

Luke Story

Page 1- I like the way that you set up the setting for the story, I can picture it pretty easily.

2- The dialogue flows and reads well, I like the back and forth banter.

3- The set up for the story and plot seem very interesting to me, I want to know more about these characters. I also enjoy the set up of a news story

4- The dialogue you have works very well, good use of suspense also, keeping me roped in.

5- I like the dialogue summary of the events that William went through, I think that could be a story in itself, or even the perspective of Bennie when this went down.

6/7- I don’t know how I feel about the ending, I feel like it should just end on Where are you going? Or before that with William saying he couldn’t kill

This story is from the narration of a journalist looking to write a big news story about a former mob boss. She meets a former mobster close to the boss and gets his story down and decides to write it. For me the idea of the story and the dialogue work so well, I really like the idea that a journalist is getting a story from a criminal. It’s an interesting topic to get into, and can definitely be hard to get down. The dialogue and the setting of the story are really well written making me feel like I can be a part of the world. Something that I kept wondering about is the legitimacy of the story, I am no mob expert but I find it unlikely that a boss would go out and do his own dirty work. I also can’t help but think about what the point of the story is, is it to call out police brutality, journalistic integrity, or even about criminal acts and the bonds that form. I would suggest maybe changing the mob boss to another mob member, or go more in depth on the life of crime and what led to the events that occured. Maybe adding more to the story that William tells when his friends are killed could be beneficial to develop the relationships for the characters and the actions they commit. Could we get something about the DA, George, Bennie, and William that goes further into the lives of these characters.

Journal 16

Alex’s Story
This is a story of a boy from a small rural town that doesn’t have a lot of money and has to work delivering papers to help his family. Allan is a young man involved in a cross town relationship between two adults, while also trying to uphold his job, home life, and own goals of getting a new bike. This story flows incredibly well, there was never a moment where I had to reread what I just went over, it all pieced together beautifully. I really liked on page six the transition from talking with Ms.Walker to Allan and his friends, it was so flawless. The dialogue is a super strong point of the story, it works so well and feels very realistic. A question I have is if there is something more about this new bike that we could get, especially when it breaks, because it seems to be symbolic of the failed relationship of Mr.Kennedy and Ms.Walker. A suggestion I would give you, is maybe to add a tiny bit more to the ending, I love the ending sentence and the way it ends, but maybe a tiny bit more as to why he never delivered another paper

Steph’s Story
This story is about a young person trying to find who they are while under the constraints and restrictions of her mother. This person has some trouble with their identity and how to portray that to their family due to their unwillingness to understand. I really like the descriptions of the weather and the household environments that Aleia is in, like her room, the kitchen and the house as a whole. This story also touched on a lot of real world issues that I have not seen much of and have not a lot of knowledge about, so I appreciate what the topic of the story you have written. I think I have somewhat of an understanding of the demons but I would like to have more because I am a little confused on their purpose. I also was left wondering the purpose of why Aleia has had fingers amputated, and the complete purpose of the snow all together. I would suggest adding a little bit more context as for the demons, the fingers, and the snow. Clarifying their purpose would make it an easier and more understandable read. I do really like the ending with the frostbite coming back, but could you make this a longer passage to show the length of time it takes for it to take effect.

Journal 17

LIZZIE STORY

This is a story of a pirate captain that is going off the rails on a monster hunt as she takes her crew down a dark path. I really liked the concept of your story and you wrote it very well with your descriptions and action throughout the story. You developed your characters very well and all had very distinct personalities. I liked the pacing of the story being fast paced due to the action but I wanted a bit more description instead of as much dialogue even though the dialogue was great. I was confused on the perspective switch from the captain and Kieran, I found myself stumbling and having trouble flowing through the story. Another question I have is if there could be a more concrete description of the serpent at the end of the story when it is being attacked by the crew? I would suggest to make the transition a bit smoother maybe by italicing when it switches or keeping a consistency between the two characters. Another suggestion I would have is that the ending could use a little more to round it out, but I did like the last ending sentences that you had.

EVE STORY

This story is of a woman who has to end a possible alien invasion after her husband, horse, and house are destroyed by the otherworldly creature. It is also a story of lost love and overcoming the restrictions placed on a person, becoming more than what is expected. I really enjoyed this story, particularly the stylistic approach. I could tell that the story was written for an older time period but it did not make it unreadable or difficult to get through, it was quite easy to follow along. The descriptions that you have used are quite gory but work so well, I could picture Ezikiel’s head on the barn floor as Abigail walks in, the entirety of the story is flooded with great descriptions of places, I feel like I was inside the house. I also have to say that the foreshadowing to the alien was very subtle but I was able to catch on quickly to it. What was the purpose of the alien offspring, they are thrown in at the very end paragraphs. Was this originally meant to be a little bit longer, the ending doesn’t seem rushed, but it feels like it could have more added to it. I do like the ending of the story but it seems a bit at a faster pace than the earlier parts of the story. I would suggest going back and adding what you wanted to because I know we have talked about how you tried to make it shorter for length reasons. I think if even half a page was added to the ending scenes that it would be perfect.

Journal 18 

This is a story of a retired FBI agent trying to solve the one case that got away from him as his life is coming to an end. I really liked the plot and the characters that you have in the story. I liked that even as James is close to dying he won’t give up on the case, he’s such an obsessive workaholic and it shows how when he was younger and wasn’t there for his daughter. My biggest suggestion for the story would be to try and have more showing than telling. It pulled me out of the stories at time and if you show more than tell it would be more engaging. Maybe some backstory or flashbacks to him not coming home on a holiday or birthday because he was working, or always coming home super late or something like that. I would also suggest to build up some of the tension between James and his daughter and not make it so easy for her to help him if she had this built up resentment towards him for so long. A nursing home can’t just lose old people, so how was James and his family able to evade the nursing home people for a week, did they not call looking for him?  Also is James dead before he can finish the case or make a decision or does he just not make a choice at the end of it all? I wonder if you could add more to this ending bit to make it a little clearer, like saying something like “the last thought on his mind before he fell into that eternal sleep was the Ohio Case” if you are going for that he died. Something like that would kinda wrap up his character as an obsessive workaholic that allowed his job to get the best of him.

Journal 19

Shea

This is a story of a young boy, who is misplaced in the world and has to find his place in it while understanding the environment and creatures around them. You have a set of characters that have distinct personalities and goals to what they want to achieve in your story. There is a good description as to what the characters are trying to achieve and what these creatures are. I think if you were able to take on a different end scene within this story that it would flourish. The ending seems a little bit rushed and could use more refinement as to how everything is coming to be. Could the ending also be the beginning of your story, and start something from there? I think that if you elaborate more on the concept of what these creatures are and how Eren fits into it that it could be more enticing. I do like the story we are following but I am left wanting more about the situation and the characters. I want to have more about how Eren and the gang make it up the mountain and are put into contact with the god creatures. 

Isabella

This is a story of two friends and their connection to an alien/supernatural being that grants the friends special abilities and to understand their connection to one another. I really like the dynamics between the group of characters, it all feels so real and flows incredibly well. You flow from descriptive segments and dialogue very well, making the whole story more immersive and easier to read. The love story between the two is something that I really enjoyed and didn’t really expect when I started reading. I would suggest having a more worked out depiction of Aura making it into Earth, it seems too easy that the group was just able to walk away without any scene being made. I would also suggest adding some other background noise to the situation, like maybe other people on the beach ran away but Carol and Hector were frozen in fear and curiosity. I do have questions about Aura’s purpose to come to Earth, was it to only kinda force Carol and Hector together? Is there some ulterior motive that the reader doesn’t get, if there is could it be portrayed through Hector when Aura speaks through him? Kinda like something Hector can see or hear but isn’t able to understand due to this all being new. I think something subtle like that would be interesting and just a small amount would be enough if it was hinted at and then maybe brought back to the end.

Journal 20 

Marissa

This is a story about a teenage girl with a disability that has caused her to become mute and to be in a wheelchair. I find the topic that you chose very interesting and the way that you portray it as well. I feel like when I see stories about disabilities it’s about finding happiness with what they have and not letting anything let them down. I like the different approach you take here with it being more of a resentful attitude towards the disability and the people around Gracie, it makes sense that a high schooler would feel this way. I also really like the way that you have the reality and fiction settings. I think that if you could clean this up a little bit more and maybe flip it so it starts in the fictional realm that it could be really good. I would also suggest trying to have more showing than telling, right now you are just telling us everything about these characters and not letting their actions or dialogue show who they are. A question I have would be about why Gracie wants a different Dad? Why does she resent her sister so much? Why is her family life so bad? If you went into these situations a little more I think it could become a really good story.

Peyton

This story is about a 20 something year old girl that is confronting a man that sexual assulated her 6 years prior when she was a minor. This story is giving me some torture vibes but like not in too bad of a way, he derserved it so its okay I guess. I like the topic of the story that you chose, it’s a different approach to a sensitive topic that I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable writing. I think you do a very good job at keeping the reader intrigued with the story but also making them very uncomfortable with the situation at hand. The whole time I felt gross reading this, which is a good thing. You also have a really good flow of story and overall pacing throughout. A suggestion I have would be just having more, I want more about Essie’s stalking and maybe the other girls. Maybe ending with Gunnar calling 911 in a panic and playing the victim could be interesting. I wonder about the other girls or if anyone els saw Essie that night when she got attacked. Is there maybe a little evidence and its not enough to do anything else. Could you start it with a police interaction between Essie and an officer talking about how she doesn’t have enough evidence and that they can’t do anything about it until more comes out?

Journal 21

Steph’s Story

This is a story of a girl that has Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, which causes her to be hospitalized in an institution for 7 years and we get to experience the moments before, during and after a medication is given to her that brings her out of the hallucinations. I like the wilderness of the story as  whole, it has a very all over the place approach but that is the capturing of the disorder that the character has. I also like that we get the dialogue between Alice and the Doctors, it lets the reader actually see what is going on in the story and not just leave them confused about what was happening. I was confused at first when I started reading, it was a bit all over the place but getting this moment of clarity was good to get a grasp of the story. I would suggest adding a hint to what this later conversation will cover, maybe having some sort of interaction between the doctors and her parents when she was 16 and in the hospital getting stitches in her head. You could also have some kind of interaction between Alice and the doctors right after her surgeries and the disorder fully takes her out, and then go into the hallucinations to show how quickly time moves forward and the way that she is out of reality completely. A question I have would  be based around the parents and if there was a drug trial run on their daughter then why would they not be there to see if their daughter could be awake for once in the past 7 years. It may be hard adding the parents into the story but if you hint at them making appearances every so often, it might be easier to say that they died in an accident and that is also how Alice’s disorder got this bad.

Matt’s Story

This is a love story and the story of the relationship between parents and children, between class structure and the struggle of merging between class lines. I like the way that you have this story structured, the lines across the page make it much easier to understand the distinction between the passages. I like how the story is set in Japan and with the clans in Japan and how going between them can bring shame or be shunned upon. I also love that you have ramen in here, top tier foods deserve to be in stories. I like your characters here and they all have their own distinct goals within the story. I got a little confused at first with the switches in time but I got it once I got into the third passage and caught onto it a lot easier. Something I would suggest is adding some more backstory, why the parents don’t like Kenta, how Kenta has shown his love for Uzume. Something like that could add some more depth to the characters and their ambitions. I think you have a really good story here and there isn’t too much that you need to do to change what it is right now. I would love to have more on the relationships and conflict between Hiroshi and Kenta, or even Hiroshi and Uzume. A question I have is when this piece is taking place, may be to my lack of knowledge but it seems modern day but I could also see it being a couple decades or hundred years ago. I may have not picked up on it if you put something in there to make it more noticeable as for the time period.

Journal 22

In the revision chapter 10 of the writing yellow book I took away some notable ideas that correlated with my own revision process. Something I have always struggled with and still do is grammar. I have never truly grasped the nuances of grammar and when to use semicolons, colons, or when not to use commas. Some of the little things that as the book says “makes you look dumb” is what I have some trouble with. I need to do some type of refresher on grammar lessons I have realized, and might have to look online for some pointers. A passage that I liked a lot from this chapter was on cutting and tweaking. It’s better to cut and change a little than to completely destroy something. I have been victim to deleting paragraphs completely at times because I thought they were garbage. I wish that I would have kept these because there is some validity to what I wrote and I got rid of it quicker than I could see what was hiding in there. The part that I really liked is when the author says that stories are never truly finished, they are abandoned. There is only so much that you can do and put into a story and you will never stop thinking about it and wanting to write more, but at some point it has to be over. There is also the otherside when you believe that the work is perfect, all your tender love and care has made something that you can be truly proud of. I think I lean more towards abandonment because I never want to give my stories away and be done with them. 

Journal 23

In the process of the story draft and workshop I have stumbled upon and learned a lot of different things. I think the biggest thing that I have gotten is that a story can really begin anywhere and most often than not in that first draft what we have as our “beginning” is really something that is just for the author and not the reader themselves. I have seen myself having beginnings as that background information and not truly something that the reader needs to read because it gets explained and portrayed better throughout the story. It’s something that I want to get better at picking up on, but deciding where to start/ what to include in the introduction of a story has been my biggest takeaway so far. Another huge takeaway that I think most of us will probably appreciate about is the showing versus telling. Sometimes when writing it can seem like you aren’t telling the story, you are in the flow of things and its going well, and you are getting your own ideas out on the paper. In reality you should be showing the story through action, and dialogue between characters, something that really moves it forward and allows the characters to shine and show their differences and motives. I have really noticed it in my own story and I am trying to get better at showing more instead of telling what is happening. It can be hard to do but it makes the story so much better and the read much more fulfilling.

Journal 24

Eve’s Story 

This is a story of a woman who escapes one nightmare of a man to end up in the hands of a real monster. I have to start off with saying that this story reads so well, I couldn’t stop reading it even if I tried to. You have such a good voice throughout the story and you have quite the knack for writing gorey scenes and darker subjects. I really want to read more of this story, it’s so engaging and flows incredibly well. I also have to say that I liked how you introduced Sol, if you had not included their pronouns it would have been a little confusing at first, so I just liked the way you introduced Sol and them as a nonbinary person. A section that I stumbled on a little bit was when Tabitha was being attacked by another vampire and describes them as a Not-Human and Human-Not-Human. I would suggest to mix in some other word choices, maybe words like beast, inhuman creature, savage, words like this might make it come off better and not seem as strange. If you said “to face the beastly-Eyes like giant black marbles focus on her” instead of “to face the Not-Human-Eyes like giant black marbles focus on her” it sounds a little cleaner and at least lets me get a clearer picture in my mind. A question I would like to have an answer to is if you have more of this story hidden from us right now? I would love to see where the story goes and what else you have written with these characters. 

Lizzie’s Story

This is a story of a man, his talking cat, and Jon Doe befriending each other and understanding the importance of relationships and how to move around uneasy territory. I really like the idea of your story and the characters it revolves around, a lonely man, a talking cat and someone who has no recollection of his past. I think you have a good set of characters that you can do alot with and explore the way that people make, keep and develop relationships. I like the use of dialogue and how it carries the reader through the story rather than relying more on narrative. I also like that the magical aspect of Sam’s speech is concealed and not revealed to the reader, it doesn’t need to be that’s not the story you are writing. I was confused on page 3 with the dialogue between the three characters, and how it goes from morning to night so quickly and randomly. That could be an easy fix, maybe use a page break before you say “That evening, Matthias had a talk with Sam.” and before this also expand a little about the two men and the relationship that is forming between them. Also when Sam runs away you say that he spends a few days away hiding near the laundromat, but later on when he’s with Mathias it seems as though Sam’s only been gone for a couple hours. Using some sort of interaction between Mathias and Thomas trying to find Sam could make this time frame match up a little easier, or making it be only a night that he was gone. A question I have is that I do want to know how Sam talks? And how Thomas was so okay with it when he found out? I would’ve freaked out and been astounded by something like that.

Journal 25

 Harry Story 

This is the story of a Vietnam war veteran and his interactions with a caged baboon in a zoo, and how the effects of war have overtaken him. I really like the way that you decide to take on this story, it is extremely bizarre but makes sense at the same time. I was able to pick up on the comparisons between Frank and Huckleberry pretty easily and that last paragraph was perfect to frame it all together. I really like that you decide to go with a war veteran, from a war that wasn’t praised by many, and how he has to find his place in the world after returning to civilian life. The writing style is very straightforward, to the point, which works well for the character/narrator and how you write this story. I think if you expanded on the interaction with Frank and Bill’s son, maybe un-glorifying the war, telling him what it’s really like, what happens to people. It could give some background to Frank, if he was drafted, or enlisted on his own, what trauma he saw, how the war has affected him. I really like your last paragraph, and think that you should keep it the way you did, it would also be interesting if Frank killed himself right after. What if right after saying “He always hated that monkey.” you have something like a second shot rung through the air? Could be interesting to see his character wanting to get away from his pain that he just expressed to Huckleberry?

Isabella’s Story

This is a story of a woman hiking in the woods, on some type of job assignment, and stumbles upon a militia of men from her life. I like the description you have throughout the entirety of the story, I can see, and feel where the story is happening. I like how you have James’ friends be the first people that she comes across and that find her. I feel like if it was her dad that found her it would have been a little boring, so good choice of making it Paul. Although there isn’t a whole lot of dialogue, when you use it, you use it well. I think more dialogue could move the story along well and having more conversation between Alyssa, Paul, and the militia men could give the reader more insight as to what is going on. I also think that blatantly saying why Alyssa is in the woods would help to set the motivation for the character, she seems to just be there, give her a reason for what she does. This could also go for Paul, James and the militia, why were they there, did they know Alyssa was there, were they trying to get her? You have everything set up really well, I think including more motivation for the characters could elevate this story.

Journal 26 

Shea’s Story

This is a story of a mid-twenty year old man, who is heartbroken and tries to find his new friends and stumbles upon a new love interest. I really like that you have your story set at a college campus, although I’ve never been to Vanderbilt you create a believable setting. Your story flows really well over all, I was able to read through very easily which is a good thing. You have a very good dialogue between your characters and the descriptions sections are well written out. Your writing style comes out really well here with the character and the tone of your story you have written. A suggestion I would have is that the Professor seems a little out of place to me. I like her role in the story but I don’t know if it’s too believable. If it was another student or like a TA I think that would make her a more believable character overall. You should keep this type of character in your story, but maybe just change their authoritative position. Can you drive 300 yards, because if so that is wild? I like the golfing connection you have there, especially reading this during the Master’s. 

Luke’s Story

This is a story of a man from a distant world that is separated from his wife due to a harsh winter and survival of the species which depends on him and other members protecting the colony from hordes of beasts over 5 years. This story is super interesting, you have a lot of world building in such a small space of writing, I feel like I know this other world pretty well. You paint a vivid picture quite easily without having an excessive amount of background information. Your story flows very well, the description and narrative is written very well and has a lot of necessary detail. I really liked your last paragraph with the narrator attacking the horde and giving his life for the colony and in his last moments all he can think about is his wife. This was a really well written section, the way you write action is spectacular. The only suggestion I would have is maybe having some sort on paper maker to show the 4 year time skip, whether its a memory of the last time he kissed his wife and its been four years since then or just a dash on the page to show time has passed. Did you take any inspiration from anything when writing this? It’s so out there, it reminds me of blue people Avatar a tiny bit for some reason.

Journal 27 

Alex’s Story 

This is a love story between humans and mythological creatures, defying the gods to have love, trekking mountains and harsh waters. I really like how you have created Nereus as a mediator between Ophelia and Doris and not someone who was going to stop it. Having the parents be the bad guys in an arranged marriage and the son trying to get out of it is much more believable. The ending you have is also very sweet, almost Romeo and Juliet-esque with both willing to give their lives to be with the one that they love. It was a very easy flowing read, I didn’t catch myself stuck on any parts, and was able to just go through it without any hiccups. A suggestion I would have is that I like the page breaks where you have to separate perspectives, but there might be too many especially if it’s a place where there is only a sentence or two. If you expand on these parts just a little to give it a full paragraph would make it make more sense for them to be there. Another thing that confused me is that you started with Ophelia getting married, but then it switched to Doris getting married which was a flip that was hard to grasp especially looking back. Questions that I have, as not being well versed in my mythology, are parts of this mythologically true, like the seven stars thing at the end, the god names, etc. 

Peyton’s Story

This is a story of a superhuman group, the narrator making their first appearance and not entirely supportive of the other superheroes. I like the perspective that you take on the superhero genre, a darker, more grim tale of how it’s not all it’s made out to be. If you haven’t watched The Tick it’s kinda a similar concept. I like the differences between all the characters, none of them are the same, they all have different personalities and motivations for what they are doing. This was also a pretty fun read, I like the comedic aspects of it and how easy of a read it was. A suggestion that I could offer is to clean up the ending a little bit, I was a little confused on how everything came to fruition, like who the overall bad guy was, and what came of the Senator and why the heroes were framed. I think clearing this up a little more, and maybe having a distinct “bad guy” or “bad group” would make the fighting scenes more interesting. Like if this was a repeat interaction between the good and bad guys. Question I have is what Atypical’s power is, he has a screen on his chest but can also use mind control, I was just confused on what he did as a hero?